Chef's Kitchen Mayhem on Saturday

You have to see the whole picture to appreciate what really goes on, so lets just try to put you into the action scene. imagine an above average restaurant, a venue that you would book in advance for your night out.

Decent table and chairs, white linen cloths and napkins. Polished glasses and cutlery. Elegantly printed menus.
Dim lighting and background music, are you there yet?
Now throw in some loud chef screaming “what the fuck are you idiots doing,” the crash of his fist on the pass echo's through the dinning room, his face full with anger, a look that would make the average Joe flinch and run away.


Welcome to Saturday night mayhem. This is and should not be taken as the norm for each and every Saturday, nor should it be limited to just Saturday. But listen and learn as you need to see the whole picture to understand.

The Mayhem Starts

During the day restaurant bookings are coming in. The number of dinners grow, but this is Saturday and in the hospitality industry weekends are full on. We as chefs understand this and prepare our produce accordingly.

The clock ticks over and we rush around all day living on air, coffee, coke, air, chocolate, v drinks oh and more air doing whatever is needed to ensure that all is ready for this nights performance. Did I forget to mention that we go out, or home for lunch, Not. We don't, we are too busy serving lunch and prepping up to sit down for lunch or even morning smoko, things that are a given in other professions.

Well the show must go on. The doors open at 5pm and the curtain goes up at 6 or 6.30 or 7 or 8 at what ever time you book. Now again, imagine this, if you are going to see to your favorite artist, pop group or show, would you be arriving late? No f...ing way, so why the fuck do you turn up late, or worse don't even show up for your booking at the restaurant, oh I forgot, you didn't have to buy a ticket did you. That will come in the form of a reservation fee to most places eventually, maybe sooner than you think. With the loss of business in these bad times it could easily send a small restaurant broke, but i will leave that for another day. Back to my show.

Show some Balls

Late in the afternoon we get a call from a staff member with some half ass excuse why they can't work tonight. Now that really pisses me off. Not just because they are letting the team down, not because they are putting extra pressure on the rest of the staff, not because we make the rosta to cope with our business, No, but because us chefs bust our balls to ensure that we can put on our show each and every night no matter what.

We don't just call in because we got a headache, or a bad back or because mummy wants us to go out for nans birthday dinner, you bunch of wusses. For us this is as important as it gets. Do you think we put our heart and soul into our daily grind so that you fuckers can just piss us off. If so you better get out now.

O.k. now you know that the restaurant is full and wuss has called in with whatever, lets just add into the mix a wedding for 90 guests in the function room, ha ha it just got that bit better eh.
But wait there's more.

Curtains Up

By now the adrenalin is flowing and most of the staff have arrived on time I add woo ho. Steady, I didn't say early. Specials are learned, last minute details of the evening are put in place and the curtains go up!



The phone rings, again....again....again....again....sorry sir we are full. Sorry mam we are full, yes at 7, yes and 8 mam. I have often wondered if people just think that they can have a table at a busy restaurant any time they like at the drop of a hat.

Oh they think they can, silly me.

Now lets get this clear so you don't think I am being ridicules, I do understand that sometimes you get home and feel like going out for dinner, and that you just want to turn up, that maybe fine on a week night, even then you could end up disappointed, but not for better restaurants and definitely not on Saturday's.

Mayhem Intermission

Author's note,
Holy cow I have just read my post so far and my blood is pumping full on, I need a chamomile tea to calm down.
Please pause if you feel the need....................................................

The first dinners arrive and we begin to entertain, so well it's eerie The clock ticks over and steadily the wedding guests take there seats. We set the buffet with all our efforts of the day, what a sight, full bowls of salads, hot and cold selections, fish, meats, we have something for everyone. Follow this with desserts and wedding cake tea and coffee. Throw into the mix some alcohol and you have a great wedding night.

Back to behind the scene and into the kitchen, the wedding guests are eating well and fast, we send out refill after refill. With years of experience we know how much food to produce for each size of wedding. Tonight would be no different. But with such big eaters and plates bursting at the edges we are being tested to the limit. Food is being organized from every corner.

Extract from the Chef's Kitchen Service

“Order in chef,” comes the voice from a waiter, “check on chef” from another. “On order” I announce with a voice of authority, “one dozen killers, two pillow, one smoked duck, main course 2 ribs 1 medium 1 rare, one with prawns 1 fish 1 salmon.............. New order, 1 carpaccio, 1 balls, main course 2 duck.............. On order, ½ dozen mornay, 2 prawns, main course 1 rib well done, 1 peppered rib medium, 1 chicken, 1 marinara................” “Order in chef. order in chef.”

“On order” I call again, “ciabatta and pizza entree followed by 2 fish mains, are you ready for more? Yes is the reply.......... “On order, no en tree straight out, 2 rib well done.” “Hey waiter did you tell them it will 30 minutes?” “Yes chef” I get back. We need more fish chef sounds out from the wedding buffet chef. We run around for the fish. “Order in chef, order in chef” the waiter cry.

By this time the later bookings have arrived early and we are still waiting for some early ones. Do you get the picture now.

The orders are flowing thick and fast when suddenly buffet chef shouts “there all through chef,” a huge sigh rains out, but no time to rejoice as the dessert buffet has yet to be served and it's only 7.30.

More orders are called and the bell is rang to call for service, they are now running from table to table. Table two and away they walk with plates of food, but not just ordinary food, food that we have been preparing all day, food that has been cooked with care and attention to detail, not frozen bang it out crap but good fresh quality produce turned into sex on a plate it's that good.

Restaurant Waiter please

Clumsy waiter pulls the plate from the pass and spills the perfectly balanced salad. Stop shouts my chef, stop again rings out, Hey you bring that back I call, don't ever take food from the pass like a bull and proceed to the table with a fucked up plate, do you understand I say, whilst rearranging the picture.
They just don't care I let out to my chef. Now the adrenalin is pumping this is what it's all about busy but in control. for now anyway.

As more and more orders come on the restaurant staff just don't have the experience to deal with the customers all at once, the need to slow and stagger them has all but gone out the door and we have no chance to enjoy our own performance.

Chef needs to scream and bang his fist to get some attention, but by the time they get organized out there we are swamped, it just seems like they want to get all the orders then serve all the drinks, then take all the food and so on.

Hey guys it's not supposed to be like that.... duh.

Breads to the wrong table, desserts not taken quick enough, I could go on and on.

Finally a waiter steps up with balls and faces the chef. Things start to settle and we find some sort of rhythm not the best but the best in the situation we are in. Then my chef shouts the ovens shit it self. The rational oven that we recently had a few dramas with and we thought were all solved, suddenly stopped working. Lucky the wedding hot food service was finished and we had the other 2 ovens to continue with, but as all fine tuned systems run it really puts the whole routine out of whack.

Bloody Apprentice

Suddenly a scream fills the noisy kitchen.............the apprentice has cut herself, she is holding her hand like precious gold, and so it is, they are our tools of the trade and without them we are nothing.

She walks with haste over to me, dripping blood along the floor. The sound of breaking glass and china ring out. I run water over the cut, oh yeah it's a cut alright. I shout out to my buffet chef, take her out back and keep her hand up high with pressure on. The young girl is walking with a wobble now, blood filling the cloth around her hand.

Now you have all probably scene a movie where in the midst of a mass disaster some one shouts is there a doctor on board.

Doctor Doctor

Well It just so happens that I know a few Doctors in town, and tonight this one particular doctor was in for dinner with his fiancee.
They happened to be sat in the middle of the restaurant. I had greeted them on the way in, as I try to do with the majority of people I know.

I shout out his name across the room, he looks over and I wave him to come. I guess that beats a waiting room any day. I escort him out the back to our patient to which he then attends.

Back to my domain I return where I ask for his partner to come to the kitchen. As she approaches I explain quickly what has happened and she then also assists. Our apprentice was in the best hands you could get, her own personal doctor and nurse.

The service has to go on and the other chefs now grew extra 'go gadget arms' as we so often do to fill in.
Suddenly the sound of broken glass fills the kitchen again, “what the fucks going on” I shout as the Saturday night special chef smashes a couple more. All is quiet as we look at him, work continues as we all understand the pressure and presence of mind that is required to finish our duties as true professionals.

The service comes to an end and the last few desserts are sent. We gather together and throw some comments at each other, trying to come down from a high octane night of pressure, frustration, excitement, drama and tragedy.
This is the end of our busy week and this was just one Saturday. How was yours?..............