Looks that decieve

I have cut many a wedding cake in my time, the majority have been made with good craftsmanship. However you do get the odd home made job that lacks the finesse of a professional cake.


The past wedding cake was just one that has to be mentioned. A cake made by professionals, not home made I add.





The cake looked very impressive and was thick with chocolate. That was all fine until it came to the actual cutting and serving. Tonight the cake was to be bagged and given to the guests to take home with them.

The three tiers were all mud cakes of different flavours. One dry and over baked, the other raw and soggy inside. Top kept for better days...It took about a hour to get what was best from the cake and bag it up. All I can say is it was absolute carnage of a cake. I hope not to have another like that.


Please put some thought into choosing your wedding cake and especially how you want it served. Bag it, that's fine but not a creamy soft iced gooey sponge, stick to the traditional fruit cake.

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Saturday Night Kick Challenge!!

It all started from just one kick.

We receive our milk and cream in plastic bottles 2 and 5 litres.

I would try and kick the empty bottle into the food bin at the other end of the kitchen. A bit of harmless fun, and rarely did one enter the bin.
When I would be the one to finish the contents of the bottle, I would try my luck and kick now and then.

Most kicks would skew off in all directions and on the odd occasion it would take out some prep and water jug or something that would spray everywhere, that's why I allowed only myself to get away with it.
After a few close encounters with expensive produce the decks were well protected due to my lack of success.

Now I am officially announcing the Saturday kick challenge. It is open to the chefs on duty, and the manager!! We collect the bottles throughout the week (get this, even the floor staff keep them for us) and at the end of service when all is cleaned and put away the kick begins.

We have an ongoing score sheet on the wall.

Now that you know about this challenge, I wonder if you have ever done something strange in the kitchen. I can also tell you about cricket and softball with aluminium balls. But that's another time.

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Soup, Soup, Soup and more Soup

I know that we have lots of prep and plenty of soup ready for the odd occasion, but that is not what this post is really about.

A booking for 6 at 6pm. A lady arrives, we are only 3 now, can we sit by the window? She asked. O.k we will allow you to have the table for four by the window. Two other ladies join the table and chat.

Next time we look they have upped and moved table and they are four ladies sat there. On a table in the middle of the room!!!

Now get this, are you ready?

The waiter returns from the table and asks,
Is the pumpkin soup thick or thin chef?
I reply, thick.



In comes the order
Entree
2 Ciabatta Bread
Main
3 main size soups and 1 entree soup.

Are you for real!!!!

Then it will not surprise you to find out they ONLY drank tap water for the two plus hours they sat and talked.

So a total bill of less than $80- the only positive was it was a Tuesday night. WTF....Why some people even bother going out I don't know.

Then you get those that share a pizza and breads on a Saturday night, prime time and wallow over a can of soft drink. Better leave that for another time......

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Same Shit, Different Depth

It's refreshing to find out that the stories we tell here on Chef's Kitchen Rant are universal. I've just started a new job and I've spent the last 2 weeks pissing myself laughing at some of the tales told.

Ten years ago, at the Hilton International Glasgow, I was pissed off at the way the industry was going. My Executive Chef at the time told me that I should get used to it, or leave forever. I stated then that I'd hate to see the industry in another ten years time. I decided to stay. So here I am, ten years from that day, back in a large multi venue hotel, and I can tell you that nothing has gotten better. That's not to say I hate the job, quite the opposite, I'm loving it, but it's so very interesting, a decade after my original statement, to review just what has gone on in that time.

What was pissing me off was that I'd worked my arse of to get to where I was, taking all the 'old school' shit and abuse to get to the position of Sous Chef. When I first started my goal was to get to that level. It seemed to me that once you got there, you'd made it as a Chef, and life would get a little more rewarding, a little like basic training in the military, only the good ones get through the boot camp. How wrong could I be?

I believe I am one of the few remaining 'old school' chefs out there, and as such I have seen the 'new school' coming on, and it's frightening! Is this the future? Why do I spend my days wiping arses and tying shoelaces for fucking idiots? Why do I, after 20 years in the job, have to work harder than the kids and get paid almost the same as they do? Why am I busting out a Marie Rose sauce in 5 minutes, to save the seafood buffet, when I was working in a totally different venue? Just because Billy Ballbag forgot it, FORGOT! A fucking seafood buffet! Wouldn't that be one of the first items of mise en place you would check? Oh, hang on, no, I'm a fucking arsehole, because I wouldn't clear it up at the end of the night, and now it's my problem. WHAT THE FUCK?

My Executive Chef is ten years older than me (lots of tens in this post hey?)where will I be then. There will be no more old school, and my senior sous will be the kids who still require spoon feeding. Oh fuck!

Come back sometime in 2019 for an update to this post :)

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A Chef Is Not a Personal Nutritionist

Would somebody please tell me when Chefs in general, became servants of the public and their every stupid whim? I read  this  recently, thanks to Paula, one of Chef's Kitchen Rant's fans.It was originally a story from the LA Times, USA.


I just find this idea ridiculous. I understand the need for the public to be better informed about what exactly they are eating, but it's not MY job to do it! As a Chef, I see my job as one where I have to 'wow' every customer, exceed their expectations of fine food, indulge them and take them on a journey to the sublime. My job is not to tell them every ingredient I used and in what quantities, how many calories or kilojoules it contains, or what percentage of saturated fat is in each dish.

If I was to start doing that, when would I get time to cook the damn stuff? It's getting more difficult to just cook. New food safety regulations now take up more time than ever. I don't disagree as this helps to keep the public safe and we need these laws to stop the lazy ones getting through. Even if I had to provide all this information, what happens if it's my day off, when some other chef cooks the dish, and gets he recipe slightly wrong? If I was working in the US I would probably be sued!

I don't have a problem with people who want eat food with the knowledge of calorific and nutritional value, just don't come to my place to eat!

What's your thoughts on this, especially those working in the US? As a customer, do you want to see this?

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Kahlua and Milk

At the table...

Waiter; Can I get you some thing to drink?
Customer; I'll have a gin & tonic and a Kahlua & milk thank you.
Waiter; does that come in a bottle? WTF

Back at the bar the waiter is looking for the Bottle of Kahlua & milk, having no luck she returns to the table and...

Waiter; sorry sir, how do you spell Kahlua?

Help us please, this can't be the extent of our industry.

I only know this as the customer spoke to me jokingly after dinner.

How can it be that staff can be so idiot's, I mean, you don't need to make your self look stupid do you? Well the clever ones don't. If you are not sure ask another team member, not the customer.

Even if you only have basic knowledge in the hospitality service, try not to show it. The customer doesn't like to feel that they are being served by a fresh incompetent server! He is paying for your service remember and wants service not a question and answer session.

No you are not expected to know the complete bar and all alcoholic beverages (if you did we probably would have other issues) but show a little interest and have a look around the bar and try to familiarise your self with the bottles and liquids within them. On that note happy drinking....

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