Head Count Please!

A simple fucking head count. How hard can it be? When all the guests have sat down for the function, do a head count, then inform the kitchen just how many meals we are supposed to be serving. Is it that difficult a concept to grasp or am I missing something here?

Tonight we had a 3 course plated function for one hundred people, well actually, I'm still not really sure how many people we served! This particular even started out on our event sheets as 100, this was the sheet given to the kitchen last week. I've done the ordering and everything is in or in its way. Then, 1 day before, in the morning, it's gone to 140. I was asked if this was a problem and I said to give me half an hour and I'll see if I can get extra sent in. As it turned out it was relatively easy, so I went back and said it wouldn't be a problem. On the same day, one hour later, I'm told it's gone to 104 plus 7 kids. The next day (function day) I'm told again that it's now gone to 111, fuck me, how many changes? I'm forgetting now actually how many times it did change. THEN, one hour before, "Chef, we have a big problem, it's now 122" Oh double fuck!

Now we are in a spin, trying to up the levels to cope with the extras. We always cook extras, for emergencies, but never that many extras. Any way, job done, we've caught up and ready to go. I actually ran low on the soup for entree, which is my fuck up, but I spun out what was remaining, and made it to the end. The soup was tasting just fine, a little creamier than before, but still good. Then the main course. Here again, we always have extra plates warming up in the box, so this time, I had 130 stacked in the hot box. We plated up every plate, just to be on the safe side, but they stopped serving when the had everything they needed when we still had over 20 plates left. What the fuck? We're all confused a little now as to what is going on. We also served 7 kids meals, and then another, so 8 in total, so we now also have an extra kid in the room!

Just before desserts I asked exactly how many people do we have and was told 110, including 8 kids and 1 diabetic who is have a fruit plate. This arithmetic says to me that we have 101 desserts to plate. I plated 104, again, just to play it safe, and use all my chocolate mousse doing so. Obviously the mousse had to be made in advance, and thinking I only have 100 to plate, I've decided to give a bigger serving of mousse so I didn't have any left. At the end of dessert service I am now told they need 3 more. Not gonna fucking happen! How many people do we have, has anyone actually done a head count yet? Nobody had an answer, except umm well umm, not sure. So at this point I've lost the fucking plot, gone rampant! For me in the kitchen, it's unacceptable to run out of anything, and I've been embarrassed through no fault of my own. Then I'm told I should have plated 122 desserts anyway, as that is what they are paying for. Get fucked! Learn to fucking do your job and fucking count before we begin. Our function coordinator didn't know how many guests we had, didn't know we had kids meals available and didn't know we had a diabetic. I'm not going to short sell our guests so that our banquet staff can have a 3 course fucking staff meal.

At the end of the day it's really fucking simple. Tell me how many meals you want and I will fucking serve them. This is not a guessing game.

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Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold

You dirty fucking low life fucks. Fucking fuck you and fuck you again. I've fucking had it with so called 'Executive' fucking management and their fucking condescending, patronising attitudes. Arghhh.... I'm fucking raging off the dial tonight, can you tell?

Here's how it was. Department manager, lets call him Mr GH, calls the office and asks for my department manager, we'll call him Mr EC. Sorry Mr EC isn't in the office right now, can I take a message? Yes say Mr GH, can you get him to call me? Of course, I will inform him when I see him and leave a message on his message pad. Mr EC gets message and calls Mr GH, who is himself now unavailable and leaves a message.

Phone rings again in office, it's Mr GH looking for Mr EC. Sorry says I, he's just stepped out again, is there anything I can help you with? Keep in mind here that this initial conversation is a daily occurrence from many other people to the office of which I am currently answering the phone. So the question he wanted to ask my executive manager was a very simple one which I could organise for him myself, and I did so! Half an hour later, GH calls EC's office again..... Is EC there? NO HE'S FUCKING NOT, why the fuck do you think I'm answering his fucking phone you fucking fucktard! Actually, that's not what I said, but I should have. Bla bla bla etc etc can I help you? Yes maybe, can you organise two mobile gas stoves and gas bottles for them and deliver them to me? Yes, I can do that, when, this afternoon, yep I'll get right on it.

So I round up two vehicles for transport and someone to help me and go in search of said equipment. Half an hour later I have two mobile stoves and two bottles, but one of them is empty. I deliver them to the venue, inform GH of the situation, tell him I'll organise a refill and it will be ready for him to pick up in the morning. He said ok, no thank you, cheers or sweet fuck all, you fucking prick, fuck you.I then return to my duties, and I've now wasted an hour of my day doing this.

Phone rings again, this time Mrs Exec CS manager, bla bla bla etc etc, can I help you? Yes says Mrs CC, GH said you only brought one bottle, where's the other? I've explained that to him and he said ok. Right says CS, and have the stoves been checked? Not that I'm aware of but they should be working and why don't you just use the same bottle on both stoves to test them? Ohhhh, I don't know anything about stoves? What the fuck?

I'm back doing my own work and now the Executive General Manager comes in and says I only took the one bottle and I won't go to check them? Wait, has anyone actually asked me to do this? So far I've gone out of my way to do what I considered a favour, twice, and now I'm being attacked for it. So I try to state my case and GM shuts me down, I'm not interested he says, I just want it done. Fair call, I would have done the same thing. I said that I'm happy to help, I understand the situation and all people have to do is ask, also that which had been passed on to him was like Chinese fucking whispers.

So, I've now wasted two hours of my day, fucking around with gas, which I'm not qualified to do, carrying equipment in over laden, unsuitable vehicles and putting up with arrogant self centred megalomaniacal Executive managers who think because they have executive in their title automatically makes them more intelligent than me. Do not talk to me like I am an idiot. Talk to me the way you would like to be spoken back to.

I am a skilled professional, I am not your fucking little bitch and just because I have a cooks jacket on does not make me a retard. My uniform is worn with pride, but it does not limit my mental capacity, unlike GH and CS's badges with executive before their name.

I will have the last laugh here, trust me, I've got a fucking long memory for this kind of shit.

I still stand by, however, on a simple statement my Mother made when I was a young kid,

"Courtesy costs nothing."

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To Blog Or Not To Blog?

That is the question. Does anyone still visit us? Would you like to see some more rants from the team at Chef's kitchen Rant? Let us know, I feel the urge to purge haha....... Share

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Social Networking Madness

We've just gone over the 1000 friend mark on Facebook. Thank you soooo much fellow ranters! Share

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Chef Tourette's Syndrome

I have recently discovered another Chef ailment. Chef Tourette's Syndrome, or as I shall now refer to it, CTS. Not to be confused with RSRS, (Rock Star Retard Syndrome). This is a serious affliction, resulting in uncontrollable bouts of intense swearing, reddening of the face, swelling of the eyes and possibly, in severe cases, kicking or throwing of objects and/or people.

I witnessed first hand a 30 year CTS sufferer's outburst on Saturday night and we're lucky we got out alive! It was the first time in many years that I myself had to keep out of the firing line, just in case :) It was only when something went flying behind me did I dare to look up from my chopping board.

I'll spare you all the gory details, but basically another kitchen fuck up, by simply not having prepped early enough, oh, and the burning to a crisp of $350 worth of fish! The sad thing is that the people responsible had absolutely nothing to say for it. I've learnt over the years that it's easier just to own up and be done with it. We all make mistakes, but I'll be fucked if I would ever give anyone the opportunity to catch me making the same mistake twice.

CTS seems to be harder to control, perhaps with the endless amounts of idiots we have to work with now contributes to the condition, and with the strict working laws we have now, all swearing is forbidden. It's a tough gig!! :)

So, for those on the receiving end of CTS, just listen to what you're told, and don't make the same mistake twice.

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Chefs, Publicity and how to Deal With It

So you're a wanna be Super Star Chef? You want to be known, you want to be in the paper, the radio or the TV? Can you handle it? I doubt it! And tell me, what the fuck have you done to deserve it?

Of course we all would like our "15 minutes of fame", it's a small pay off for many, many years of hard toil for next to no reward. For me, fame is an occupational hazard, it comes with the territory and it is the antithesis of why I do what I do. If I could rise to the top of my trade without my name ever being mentioned or having my ugly mug in the paper, believe me, I would! It rarely comes however, and the real pay off is from the patrons who put the money in the till. That may sound vulgar, but that's why we are all here. To earn a living and assist our place of employment to be profitable. If you have the skills, it will happen. Any new establishment that opens and provides great promises in the media MUST follow up on those promises. Initial reports of failure will be spread far and wide, much further than reports of success, that's just the way life is unfortunately. If, within a few weeks, these reports of problems persist, you are doomed, the death sentence has been signed and we're all just waiting for it to happen.

When your name is out there it's going to get tougher. When your profile rises higher than the rest, you will be shot at. You have to learn to take crap from all sides, and it's going to happen for the rest of your career. It's a tough gig people! If you are good enough you need say nothing. Accept the praise, ignore the crap, only the insecure hit back.

Most of all, love your work. If you build it, they will come :)



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